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Sunday, 28 October 2012

hamster on a wheel

today was one of the most overwhelming days, in years.

i had many things to do and an unusual mental block to prioritise.

at 10am i had 7 emails that demanded responses asap.

replied one after the other and got up to drink water. the clock showed 3pm.

had 3 more mails to go.

realized i hadn eaten. rushed to the kitchen to cook up a late brunch. nothing burnt - i thought.

but i had.

my head was spinning. quickly whipped up horlicks in hot water and gulped it down. felt energetic like they show in its ad… and got chopping and cooking.

this is not the first time. i love to prove hunger wrong. it’s weird - i know.

but among the many things i am forced to accept there are a few things i like to hold on like a headless person. like, to not eat on time.

and how does this matter anyone else anyway?

it does. cos when i am weak i am a mess. thoughts run wild.

most of all the war and truce happens inside the bluvian cranium.

i am programmed to not give up. perhaps i was a hamster on a wheel in my last life.

at 7pm i was on the 7th mail.

happier though tired.

after sending it i checked the inbox to find 3 follow up mails waiting.

i have nothing to say at this point.

than find out why i am here where i am.

isn’t this what i always wanted to do?

no. not really.

don't i want to create the many images i have been waiting to spill out?

when i am tiered with the coordination i am a monster.

a horrible one who is not an artist but someone whom i rather not mention.

weak, terrible, emaciated of ideas, holding on to forsaken memories that haunt. a wet mouse in a dark dungeon.

but tks to years of corporate nurturing. i make a good escape via e-mail communication. all that needs to be said for the sake of covering the b-side will be done on time even if i have to hold my bladder for another few minutes before the idea runs dry.

i think i need an agent's help though it may take some more time for my art to earn another person's salary.

but then i correct myself saying that i have taken this break to work for myself. i must invent ideas to help this situation. what is the use of all the creativity if i cant find a creative solution to this mess.

it’s 9pm. way past dinner time. i am done with the mailing.

ntn more to pen

ps: i haven't thanked my dear friends for their patience today... and am glad at the end of the day i can skip all that corporate learning with a few.

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