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Sunday, 11 September 2011

after-onam lessons

after onam-day sadya, there is definitely a lot more to do, even if you cant move a single muscle in your bod. so, i called up the building's maintenance manager to lend me a helping hand.




i got two - fitted on a young man, who also had a loud mouth.



he was more than friendly and called me 'bhabhi' [brother's wife]. lot of ppl say i look like a bengali - but does that make me his bangladeshi bhabhi? [i did not think so]



the man was tasked to finish the vessels first and then the rest of the house.



man: bhabhi - jara idhar ayenge?



me: kya hua?



man: aapko imarat mein kitna time hua?



me: 5-6 saal



man: bachche nahin hain?



me: nahin



man: kyon?



me: [smile] naya wala scrub lelo.



man: aap job karte hain?



me: haan



man: aaj nahin gaye?



me: [moron, that is why i stand before you] nahin



man: kyon?



me: ----



man: itna ganda kaise hogaya?



me: kal party tha?



man: aap malbaari hain?



me: [don’t u dare use that stupid word] haan... nahin. nahin… haan.



man: [laughs!] aapko khud nahin malum... ha ha ha. main toh bahar phool dekhke hi samajh gaya tha. aapka onam-wala pooja tha na?



me: haan. [onam is no pooja but how/why to tell him]



after few mins...



man: bhabhi, yeh dekho kya hai!



me: kya hain?



man: [showing cauldron with browned residue] yeh toh nahin niklega



me: paani mein soak kar ke baad me karo.



man: toh aapko paani daal dena tha na?



me: [whaaa..at!] haan... par time nahin mila



man: dono kaam kartein hain?



me: kaun?



man: aap aur... aapki shaadi hui hai na?



me: haan



man: [laughs] main thoda dar gaya, pata nahin kya kya poocha. toh aap log dono kaam karte hain?



me: sigh! haan.



man: isliye time nahin hain... [laughs] bachon keliye?



me: -----



man: aap ek full time maid kyon hain rakhte? main aa jata hoon?



me: [maid?] nahin chahiye...



man: ...oh! bhool gaya aapke paas toh time nahin hain na.



me: haan [leave scene].



after few mins...



man: bhabhi aur jagah nahin hai bartan rakhne ko. kahan rakhoon?



me: yahan rakho! [clearing some washed vessels into the cupboard i make some counter space]



man: toh aap dono kaam kartein hain? itna paisa phir kaun khata hai?



me: [whaa..at!?] jitna chahiye hota hai utna hi milta hai. jaldi kitchen khatam karo. [walk off]



man: aapko anil kapoor achcha lagta hai?



me: ----



man: mujhe bahut pasand hain. beta filam hai na, woh 20 baar dekha hai. [laughs]



me: ----



after 5 mins...



man: achacha bhabhi main toilet mein harpic use karoon?



me: haan, bleach bhi use karo



man: bleach kyon? mujhe achcha nahin lagta - ganda smell aata hai, haath bhi gharab hota hai?



me: gloves lelo aur bleach use karo please! zaroori hai



man: achcha theek hain. aap muluk kab gaye?



me: kaafi time hogaya



man: achcha... aap dono jo kaam karte ho, time nahin milta hoga. saath mein chutti bhi nahin milti hogi na?



me: nahin



man: kya fayda, bada ghar, badi naukri aur hum jaise naukar chaakar rakhke. aapki life toh sponsor ke haath mein hain na? meri bhi uss chatri [building's maintenance manager] ke haat mein hai



me: sigh! haan. yahaan sabki life aise hi hai



man: aapke india mein toh achchi naukriyan hai na?



me: honge?



man: lagta hai aapko dubai jam gaya? ab vapis nahin jana? sab ko jana padta hai bhabhi...



me: ek minute [calls up anyone - deepu - and tell him the boy is here. he was busy so we could talk much]



after few mins...



man: bhaabhiiii!!!! jaldi aao



me: kya hua?



man: yeh dekho!



[shaving bottle had fallen down, broken, all the foam out]



me: ---- tile saaf karke bottle phaink do.



man: theek hai! sorry bhabhi mere haath se gir gaya. arbi hota toh abhi maar deta.



me: koi baat nahin. iske baad bed room kar lena.



man: kiska phone tha? bhaiyya ka!?



me: haan [leave scene]



man: aapka bed room toh bada hai? A- tower mein chotein hain. par wahan sab flat mein teen bedroom hain.



me: ----



man: bhaiyya ko bolo aapko job se chutti de dein



me: mere kaam se bhaiyya ka kya lena dena



man: laughs! woh toh mein jaan gaya. mushkil nai hain [laughs!]



me: kya matlab?



man: aapne bole na 5-6 saal se imarat mein hain? zarooriyan bhi badh gayin hogi. life badal jaati hain na? aap maa baap ko paise bhejte hain?



me: ----



man: achcha aapko do din chutti milta hai ke ek?



me: do



man: achcha hai. mein saturday ko bhi kaam pe hoon. toh aap weekend pe mujhe bula lo. aapko time bhi mil jayega, araam bhi.



me: sochti hoon



man: aap bhaiyya ko boliye na... mera matlab hain... aap maid rakhlijiye. aapke liye achcha hoga



me: ----



man: [mopping floor]. chatri ko bolo ki aapka floor polish karvayega. bahut chamkega. waise aapne ghar bahut sundar rakha hain.



me: thank you. hogaya?



man: haan. kitne ka baat hua tha mere liye. ab 3 ghanta ho gaya. kuch bhi dedijiye [smiles]



me: [i paid the customary little extra] thanks.



man: mera number likhlo. mohammed irshad, 050 2341232. aapka naam kya hai?



me: archana. [oops shudn have]. flat number yaad rakhlo, bhaiyya bulayenge.



man: bhaiyya ka naam kya hai?



me: deepak



man: achcha naam hai. aaj ka din aap rest karlo, kal phir office jana hoga na? salam. [smiles]



me: [closing the door] ok.







need i say what i learnt? i was just so thankful that i am able enough to do my home chores by myself - no matter what. on an after-sadya day... deepak should learn to supervise a man 'maid'. sigh/uff!





1 comment:

Tessy said...

That was hilarious, and you had some patience :)