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Tuesday, 15 September 2009

the great grandmother's death

tday morning my hubby lost his grand mom...who was great grand mom to so many in his family that stretches from god's own country until america. she was a special lady. an institution in herself. 'forget and forgive' are the last words i can remember having heard from her when i visited here few months back, as she was brought back to life through ventilator, catheter and what not. she insisted to her children ‘forget and forgive’ and reminded them yet again that they are all one. elders chided her unnatural self murmuring that she must be losing her memory and strength to the illness. they observed it must be the lack of oxygen in the brain etc. it was painful to see her living on tubes that might have made her old age miserable. infact it was the most true to life experience that i had lived, by staying by her side in the hospital when nurses rushed in an out at a gap of every two hours to check her pulse and chage the bottle of medicine that dripped to reach her body through those many needles that pricked and stayed beneath her skin as that was the only convenient option medical science had found to keep the medicines and the essentials running to her veins. it was crucifixion - to be bandaged, pricked, pierced, and oddly postured to keep the heart beat on and on. i prayed with all my heart and wept out at her plight in the bathroom while under the shower cos my tears would have weakened her further. i begged god for mercy, to take her life...or rather relive her from this bitter pain. it is a real plight to be the senior most in the family and be left at the mercy of those whom she nursed to able children and at the hands paid help who shirk a thought at cleaning a mess that she would cry in embarrassment to let people know of. our seniors are precious as they live to pray and bless us. but the tragedy of life will come no matter what. loss of personal life always accompanies many mixed worries, finance is just one of them. but the only thing that must remain in our heads is that we can always make that money which is spent but the truth is prevail that she is now just a memory. ur babloo will miss u amama and i am not sure if i told you that i really love u with all my heart. will always. hope u will still love and bless us from the golden abode above as you now give company to apapa...

the power of chanting

those bright yello beads could only mean a fancy bracelet me, which followers of a certain religion kept in their palms to chant off something that their relics advice them as wise to do...during a visit to vatican i also got some chantful beads that caught my attention more because they looked so appealing. i carried a few home for keep sake. i donno if it is blasphemous and i care less to get all that checked...i used to wear them cos some days my dress matched. i would preen at its intricate floral design and get hypnotically lost in the miniature petals that formed the concentric pattern of the rose's centre. the beads were so smooth that anyone would want to keep touching them always. well enough of literature, taking flight here...what i wanted to say was that though these beads were instrumental in starting a chant that you can keep count on...i have got this new habit of chanting in my head with no beads but just mental maths. don’t ask me what i am chanting...i can assure u it is not blasphemous for one simple reason that it is not something that will evoke a wrong thought or deed while i am engaged in it. pure bliss in other words...free of vodka or the lime

wishful world's fantasy

whenever we rise to challenge where we give it all...what should remain ever so grounded in our heads is that we shouldn’t expect a bit of response in our favour. the moment we forget that the world becomes full of hurtful people...who swing by throwing venomous spears at you. those which you can never try and stop from piercing your heart cos there is no way you can follow the direction that it can come from. just like while you are trekking on heavy snow...you dig deep with hammer and then place your foot on it ensuring there is no thin ice or a deep hole that can swallow you...you must watch every step...anticipating a fall anytime and thus geared to not fall fatal. this is the real struggle in life. or you can chose to live a cocoon’s life cutting yourself of from the direct glares of friends, family, society that you know of and peep out only to give a hint of what a happy life i have despite whatever you think should affect me...

it is good to stop wondering at a way out of this circus called life...cos by the time you finish the trek you can hope to have reached a summit from where world will be such a wonderful place to have been...this is what i call the wishful world's fantasy not the other one which people associate with gains and bargains in life, work, money, material, brownie points...

the world is a stage

really it is. we all expected to play and parts and get off. sometimes...actually most of the times the thought the rattles in my head is that while we r on the separate roles assigned to us by choice or otherwise...what sort of justice are we doing to ourselves as people who are what they are without the roles. don’t we all lose a bit of ourselves while trying to fulfill the roles that become overwhelmingly larger than what is supposed to be when it all started and kamabht society and the set up is such that it crushes yourself and makes a new you which you might not quite be fond of in the first place...but will try to hook on to as an image maintenance strategy. i was trying to rediscover being from my country by reading a few good books on the making of the nation i belong to and i found that no matter far you travel you come back home...and actually home is where the heart is...and perhaps that is also the reason why despite so many winding roles we wind them up for the sake of the homebound association that is so strong...so powerful that it promises to keep you even while it threatens to break you and make you yet again...

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

thank god it was not the popular flu

whip me i say...8 days of nonchalalnce since i swore into making the most of blogging everyday to get rid of the wirter's block...huh! anyway i have a good reason to blame on...the flu that had me down for four days and then onam this time was a blast...
last few days i bonded more with my buddies through fb ofcourse... so rest was on fb lol!
everything at home, work and personal stuff came to a standstill...u can call it the power of flu. so today i was doing everything that i must and had today's date assigned on it...so i guess the flu got sorta bugged and kind got out of me...almost :)
nothing is  interesting unless u r interested in it... and u can get rid of anything...even flu without a fludrex if u wish to...